


Outlast the Ignorance

by Who_the_hell_is_Tre_Cool



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Agender Michael Clifford, Angst with a Happy Ending, Genderqueer Ashton Irwin, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, Nonbinary Calum Hood, Other, Past Child Abuse, Trans Character, Trans Luke Hemmings, Transphobia, read the notes for detailed trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22516021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Who_the_hell_is_Tre_Cool/pseuds/Who_the_hell_is_Tre_Cool
Summary: ' Eventually, the girl left, and Ashton's roommate turned around, dragging his suitcase into the room. The first thing Ashton noticed was that the boy was pretty. Not handsome, definitely pretty. Plump pink lips and long eyelashes- Ashton soon realised the boy was wearing makeup.The boy’s eyes met his own, as if daring Ashton to comment, and Ashton looked at the floor."Hi. I'm- I'm Ashton," he cursed the way his voice gave away his nerves, and he quickly glanced up to meet the other boy's eyes again. He looked kind, but wary."I'm Calum. I'm gonna say this right away: I'm non-binary, and I use they/them pronouns. If you have an issue with that, you can talk to the RA."Ashton's brows furrowed in confusion, "non-binary? What's that?" '
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Calum Hood, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97





	Outlast the Ignorance

**Author's Note:**

> This took like a month to write and is 100% just me venting but I'm actually kinda proud of it so :/
> 
> TW:  
> -Use of slurs throughout (queer, faggot, sissy, trap)  
> -Ashton has a few anxiety attacks  
> -Calum gets drunk at one point  
> -Nightmares  
> -Fairly graphic depictions of past child abuse (quite near the end)
> 
> Title taken from Outer Space/Carry On by 5 Seconds of Summer.

Ashton hadn't really expected to be accepted into college, so when the letter came he was thoroughly unprepared. A few months later, he was bidding farewell to his mom and his siblings and hauling his suitcase to his dorm room, and he had no idea how it had all happened, but he was proud of himself. 

He'd signed up to share a basic dorm room with a total stranger. He couldn't afford a fancy apartment, this way it minimalized the cost (the rooms weren't massively expensive, and the cost was split between two people), and allowed him to meet new people. Ashton knew no one in the area, so he was glad he'd be forced to at least become familiar with one person. 

He had just finished putting the last of his clothes away when the door opened. A boy with dark hair was facing away from him, facing a girl stood in the hallway. She looked to be slightly older, but similar enough to the other boy that Ashton assumed she was a sister, not a girlfriend. 

Eventually, the girl left, and Ashton's roommate turned around, dragging his suitcase into the room. The first thing Ashton noticed was that the boy was pretty. Not handsome, definitely pretty. Plump pink lips and long eyelashes- Ashton soon realised the boy was wearing makeup. 

The boy’s eyes met his own, as if daring Ashton to comment, and Ashton looked at the floor. 

"Hi. I'm- I'm Ashton," he cursed the way his voice gave away his nerves, and he quickly glanced up to meet the other boy's eyes again. He looked kind, but wary. 

"I'm Calum. I'm gonna say this right away: I'm non-binary, and I use they/them pronouns. If you have an issue with that, you can talk to the RA." 

Ashton's brows furrowed in confusion, "non-binary? What's that?" 

Calum eyed him, as if trying to work out if he was being serious or not. "It means I'm not female and I'm not male. I feel social dysphoria, so I tend to wear more feminine clothing, because I want people to perceive me as not male."

Ashton was quiet for a moment, letting his thoughts tumble around in his skull. He didn't voice any of them, because he was hoping to befriend his roommate and didn't want to offend them on the first day. He settled on just saying, "That's fine by me. I don't really uh- I don't know anything about that sort of stuff, so just... Correct me if I say anything wrong." 

Calum smiled then, and Ashton felt like he'd achieved something. "That's fine, I like answering questions. I'm happy to educate you." 

Ashton nodded, falling silent. He sat on the edge of his bed and watched as Calum unpacked their things. 

"Are you here alone or do you have friends on campus?" Calum asked, jolting Ashton out of his thoughts. 

"I'm all by myself," He answered, "but I got lucky, my roommate seems pretty cool." 

Calum broke into a broad grin, "Aw, thanks. And you're extra lucky, cuz I've got a friend who's a big people person. Xe's bound to have made loads of friends by the end of the week." 

After briefly weighing the options in his mind, Ashton asked, "Xe?" 

"My friend Michael. Xe's agender, uses xe/xem pronouns, but xe's not too fussy about what you use, as long as it looks like you're struggling to decide."

Ashton nodded, making a note of that information and deciding not to ask any more questions, lest he come across uneducated. He was also more than a little overwhelmed with new information, which Calum seemed to realise, as they smoothly changed the topic of conversation. 

"What courses are you taking?" 

"English lit and poetry," Ashton was a bit self-conscious about choosing the poetry course, something in his brain caring about the appearance of his masculinity. 

Calum hummed, "are you a writer?" 

He nodded, and Calum grinned, "You should let me read your stuff sometime." 

"Oh- no, it's not really that good or anything-" 

"I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours," Calum raised their eyebrows, and managed to hold their expression all of two seconds before bursting into light laughter, "I'm on the music course. Practical and history. I write songs and stuff, it's pretty fun." 

Ashton found himself laughing softly, "Maybe at some point." 

This seemed to be an acceptable answer for Calum, who then said, "If you've finished unpacking, do you wanna explore campus with me?" And Ashton agreed.

###

It was about a week later, and Ashton had settled into a routine with his classes and hanging out with Calum. It was actually Calum's idea that they should hang out outside of their dorm room, so it had been decided that every Wednesday evening they would meet up at the little coffee shop, just off campus. It was convenient, as they both finished their last class within five minutes of each other. 

Calum referred to it as date night. Ashton didn't.

Ashton was sat at his desk one evening, laptop open, typing his essay for English that was due in the next day. Calum was laid on their bed, and every now and then Ashton heard them move a little, but he tried to ignore it. 

"Hey Ash," Calum spoke up, and Ashton ignored that as well. 

"Ash. Ashton. Ash Ash Ash Ash-" 

He huffed, closing his eyes a moment, before spinning in his chair to face Calum, who was laid on their front, looking up at him. "What?" 

Calum didn't seem perturbed by Ashton's foul mood, "I want you to meet Michael. On the weekend."

"Why now?" 

They just shrugged, "We're meeting up on the weekend to catch up with each other, and you're definitely like, part of my life now, so I wanna introduce you to xem." 

Ashton nodded, turning back to his laptop, "Alright. That's fine. Now let me finished this essay." 

"You should have done it sooner," Calum responded. 

"Yeah, well, I didn't," He huffed, going back to ignoring them. 

###

Despite Calum's reassurances that Michael was a massive dork and Ashton had absolutely no reason to be nervous, Ashton's stomach was rolling with anxiety as Calum lead him up the stairs of Michael's shitty apartment building. 

When they reached Michael's door, the faint sound of Green Day was audible through the wood. Calum knocked, and the pair waited, but there was no response, so Calum texted Michael, and a minute later the music paused and the door opened. 

The person who opened the door, who Ashton assumed was Michael, with the way Calum tackled xem in a hug for greeting, was some variant of what Ashton had been picturing based off of Calum’s descriptions (punk, asshole, dyes xir hair, art student).

Xir hair was a vibrant green and xe had an eyebrow bar. Xir skin was pale, there was a grey smudge on xir cheekbone which Ashton assumed was graphite, and xe was wearing a black and white Sex Pistols shirt which was covered in various splashes of paint. 

Once Calum let go of xem, xe seemed to notice that there was another person there. Calum quickly realised their mistake. 

"Michael, this is Ashton. Sorry I didn't tell you about him, I wanted you to meet in person," they quickly explained, as Michael let them both inside, "He's my assigned dorm mate."

Ashton shut the door behind himself, "Cal said they'd introduce me to their friend who's apparently a 'big people person' because I have no friends."

This answer seemed to please Michael, who grinned, "well now you've got two friends, which is a pretty good start." 

Ashton found himself smiling a little as well. He'd expected to suffer through college, achieve decent enough grades so he could get a job and help support his mum and siblings, but from the way things were shaping up, it seemed like he may actually enjoy the experience. 

They all ended up on Michael's (also paint splattered) couch, watching Adventure Time and talking about meaningless things, getting to know each other better. Calum and Michael interacted with each other in a way that confused Ashton. He'd assumed the hug at the door was just a greeting after being apart for a long time, but they were cuddled up together, bickering and teasing each other, while Ashton sat at the other end of the couch, legs curled up, just observing them. 

"Are you two dating?" He blurted, instantly regretting it when Michael, who was still practically a stranger, glared at him. 

"No, we're not. Have you got a problem with two friends being affectionate?"

Ashton's stomach dropped, and he was glad his hands were in his lap so the pair couldn't see the way they started shaking. "I-I-" 

It was Calum who actually managed to speak. "Don't be a dick Mikey, he didn't mean it like that." 

"I'm not being a dick-"

"You are, don't deny it. Ashton's not like that," Ashton felt like he was intruding on a private conversation, "he's not, I promise."

"Can't be too careful," Michael grumbled, still glaring at Ashton, who had stopped paying attention and was just focusing on remembering how to breathe without drawing attention to his distress. 

“Ash?” Calum’s voice sounded gentle, and he felt the couch shift as they moved closer, and suddenly they were in his field of view, big brown eyes overflowing with concern.

A shaky whimper was all Ashton could manage, and as he struggled to breathe properly, all he could think about was how he’d probably ruined Calum and Michael’s day, and he’d definitely messed up his first impression on Michael. 

And it wasn’t as if he expected either of them to anything to him, but he couldn’t help but flinch as Calum raised their hand towards his face.

“Ashton,” Calum gently took his hands in their own, “Ash, I need you to breathe for me, can you do that?”

He focused on the grounding feeling of Calum’s hands, and eventually got control of his breathing. However, he kept his head down, not wanting to embarrass himself even more. He felt, rather than heard, Michael leave the room, and then a warm hand gently tilted his head up, until his eyes met Calum’s.

Calum had a concerned frown on their face, “What happened? I know Michael was a bit of a dick, but-”

Ashton pulled away quickly, fingers burying themselves in his own curls, tugging gently. Even Calum thinks you’re stupid, the unhelpful part of his brain murmured, and Ashton stood up.

“I’m gonna head back,” he said softly, proud for a moment at how his voice didn’t shake, “I’ll see you later. Have fun with Michael,” he finished, before quickly heading out the door.

Calum may have said something else, but Ashton’s head was too loud to hear them.

###

Ashton was in bed by the time Calum got back.

He’d been in bed since he’d gotten home, curtains closed, covers pulled high, facing the wall.

The sound of the opening door made him jump a little, but he quickly collected himself and relaxed, pretending to be asleep so as to avoid talking to Calum. 

A bright giggle came from Calum’s side of the room, and it sounded like they kept bumping into things.

“Aaaash- Ashy- I know you’re not sleeping,” A few moments later, a weight landed half beside him, half on top of him, and Ashton groaned and rolled over, coming face to face with Calum.

Calum giggled again, before gasping, “You’ve got dimples!”

Ashton sighed softly as Calum’s fingers poked his face, “You’re drunk. Or high. Or both.”

“I’m not drunk! Only a little bit,” Ashton rolled his eyes, “And Mikey was smoking, but I didn’t, cuz I didn’t know if you were okay with it.”

“How considerate,” he mumbled.

The pair fell silent, and Calum squirmed around, eventually getting under to covers and snuggling close to Ashton. Ashton sighed, and wrapped an arm around their waist. 

Calum soon fell asleep, but Ashton stayed awake.

  
###

  
When Calum woke up the next morning, it was with just a light headache, which they were greatly thankful for.

They were momentarily confused at the unfamiliar weight across their waist, but then they turned their head and saw Ashton, still fast asleep. His light curls tickled the side of

Calum’s face, and the shadows his eyelashes cast on his cheeks were beautiful. 

Calum sighed softly, lips curling in a small smile. Ashton was beautiful, all soft edges, warm and gentle in the morning’s golden sunbeams. Michael had teased them when they’d admitted their little crush, as it had only been a week. But Michael agreed that Ashton was pretty, so xe couldn’t tease them too much. 

A small noise startled Calum out of their daydream, and they looked down, seeing Ashton’s eyelids slowly flutter open, revealing the hazel eyes underneath. His eyebrows furrowed adorably as his brain slowly caught up with the reason why Calum was in his bed.

His eyes widened a little, and Calum thought he looked a little sad.

“m sorry I ruined things yesterday,” Ashton spoke softly, voice rough from sleep (and crying).

Calum frowned, “You didn’t ruin things. Michael doesn’t tend to think before he speaks, and can often come across as a bit harsh. It’s not your fault.”

Ashton shifted away a little, “Still. I shouldn’t have reacted like that,” his tone was clipped, detached. It worried Calum a little.

“Ash, there’s no shame in having panic attacks-”

“It wasn’t a panic attack!” Ashton raised voice a little, and Calum didn’t think they’d ever seen him like this, “It was just me being a sensitive, whiny idiot!”

Ashton climbed out of bed, grabbing his clothes and pulling them on quickly. It was when he shoved his feet into his shoes that Calum realised he was leaving.

Hand resting on the door handle, he stopped, but didn’t turn to face them.

“And get out of my bed. I’m not a fucking queer,” he spat.

The door slammed shut behind him.

###

Ashton regretted his words as soon as he stepped outside, but he didn't go back to apologise. He didn't know why, exactly, but mostly he thought he didn't deserve Calum's forgiveness. So he kept walking, leaving their building and eventually leaving campus. 

There was a coffee shop he'd found just a short distance away, it was less crowded than the on-campus coffee shop, and the atmosphere always felt more comforting. 

The bell above the door announced his entrance, and he stepped inside. 

The interior was cosy, with a couple of couches and wooden tables, and a row of booths with bamboo dividers. The counter was painted a light green, and there were a couple of stools to one side, if one wished to be seated at the counter, which was where Ashton seated himself. 

There was a couple of old ladies sat in one of the booths, and a fellow college student on one of the couches. Occasionally, someone would come in and order to take away. Ashton didn't order yet, just watched the boy behind the counter make people's drinks, waiting for a lull in thoroughfare. 

Luke was the boy's name. He was pretty and blonde, with the bluest eyes Ashton had ever seen, and, more importantly, he was Ashton's only friend other than Calum and Michael (although he may have lost their friendship).

Around fifteen minutes later, Luke came over to him. 

"Alright, spill."

Ashton sighed softly, "you remember I told you about my roommate, Calum?" 

"The non-binary one?" He asked, before setting about making Ashton's usual order. 

"Yeah," he coughed a little awkwardly, which caught Luke's attention. 

"Ashton, what did you do?" 

Ashton looked away, unable to hold Luke's stormy gaze. 

"I said some... Some bad stuff. Called them something bad, shouted at them." 

He glanced up to see Luke regarding him, almost calculating.

Luke set his drink on the counter, "Why?" 

"What?" 

"Why were you mean to them? Because you're not a bad person, Ash. And you look so guilty about the whole thing. So why did you do it?" 

Ashton shrugged a little, focusing on the chipped paint where the wooden counter met the wall.

"I think there's a reason why, but you don't want to tell anyone," Luke kept talking when he realised Ashton wasn't going to respond. "I think the whole thing is causing you so much trouble because of a specific reason. You don't have to tell me, but I think it would be good if you told someone, anyone." 

Ashton scoffed quietly, but he couldn't deny that what Luke had said was true. 

"You can crash on my couch tonight, if you're not ready to speak to Calum," Luke eventually spoke up, and Ashton chewed his lip in thought, before nodding. 

"Thanks man. You're the best." 

###

"Calum I am in love," was the first thing that greeted Calum when they stepped into Michael's apartment, and if anything could distract Calum from their emotional turmoil, it was Michael Clifford's disastrous love life. 

"Oh wonderful. Who is it this time?" They asked, lifting Michael's legs so they could sit down. 

Michael was sprawled across the couch, and barely complained at being manhandled. "His name's Luke and he's studying fashion design but our classes were in the big art studio together on Friday because of some issue. We bonded over being trans and complained about gendered clothing. I gave him my number and he finally texted me!" 

Calum couldn't help but smile at Michael's rambling, "he sounds great, when do I get to meet him?"

"He works at the coffee shop just off campus, but it's usually quiet. I can see if we can drop by?" 

"I don't want to disturb him if he's at work, why don't you just invite him over when his shift ends?" 

Michael patted the couch blindly for a few minutes before xe found xir phone, "Alright, I'll ask him." 

There was silence for a moment, and then Michael frowned, "he says he can't, he's helping a friend work through some personal stuff. Aw that sucks." 

"Maybe at some point during the week?" 

Michael nodded, "I asked. I also said I hope his friend is okay. Oh- he said his friend should be fine, and he's free Tuesday. Also he sent a weird smiley face, what a dork," Calum rolled their eyes, but couldn't help smiling at how happy Michael looked. 

###

While Ashton had been to Luke’s apartment once before, he wasn’t overly familiar with the place. Luke’s apartment was pretty standard, though small, and Luke pointed out the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen, before disappearing into his room and emerging with an armful of blankets and a pillow. He set up the couch for Ashton to sleep on, and

Ashton didn’t really know how to thank him for all he’d done.

Instead of ‘thank you’, he found himself saying, “Do you wanna order pizza? I’ll pay for it. I owe you...”

Luke grinned, “Sounds good,” he responded, before finding his phone and ordering. 

Ashton took a seat on the couch, curling his legs up beside him. Luke soon sat on the opposite end of the couch, stretching his legs out and nudging Ashton’s feet with his own, shooting him a gentle smile. Ashton found himself smiling back, feeling almost shy, out of place amongst the universe.

“I can’t believe I managed to screw everything up in just a week,” He said softly, before pausing. “Actually, wait, no, I can believe it.”

When he looked up, Luke was frowning.

“You didn’t screw everything up. You just need to talk things out with Calum, tell them how you’re feeling.”

“How can I tell them what I’m feeling when I don’t even know what I’m feeling?”

Luke shuffled closer on the couch, and Ashton tried not to flinch when the other boy took his hand. If Luke noticed, he didn’t comment on it.

“Let’s have a little therapy session, talk through what’s up with you,” Luke suddenly grinned, “Or, even better, we can get into comfy clothes, wait for the pizza to arrive, and have a therapy sleepover.”

“We’re not having a- a therapy sleepover,” Ashton objected, but then the doorbell rang, and Luke promptly sprang from the couch and went to answer it.

Luke returned with pizza, but set the boxes on the coffee table. “Pyjamas first.”

“Oh- you were serious about the sleepover thing-”

Luke grabbed his hand and pulled him up, “C’mon, I’m sure I own something that’ll fit you.”

###

_"Hi Anne, not to worry you too much, but I'm taking Ashton to the hospital. No, he's alright, clumsy little thing fell down the stairs, I think he's broken his arm."_

_The iron grip on Ashton's shoulder told him not to cry out, not to tell his mother what had really happened. He didn't think he could cry out, even if his wanted too. His entire body felt bruised, even breathing hurt._

_He just wanted to sleep, to escape._

###

Ashton jolted awake, the loose shirt Luke had lent him feeling constricting, and he quickly sat up, looking around slightly panicked. 

He and Luke had drifted off during their "therapy sleepover" (although they hadn't discussed much, it had been somewhat therapeutic just to hang out with the boy), and Luke's arm was wrapped loosely around his waist. He pushed it off, getting to his feet shakily. His body felt wound-up, full of nervous energy, but at the same time he wanted to curl up into a hole and hide from the world. 

His legs shook beneath him, and he just stood there, swaying just a little. 

"Ash?" Luke's voice was thick with sleep, seemingly sensing Ashton's absence. "Ash what's wrong?" 

Ashton heard movement, and then a hand gently touched his elbow. Ashton flinched. A phantom pain of a broken bone made his arm throb. 

Luke's face appeared in his vision, the late hour making all his color look washed out and dull. 

"Ash, can you hear me?" Ashton hesitated, before nodding weakly. "Okay good. Can you tell me what happened?" He shook his head. "Alright. That's okay. Can I touch you? I want to hold your hands, is that okay?" Another nod. 

He hadn't realised how much he was shaking until Luke's hands gently covered his own, stilling their movement. Ashton stared at their joined hands for a long moment, the world slightly out of focus, before he lifted his gaze to Luke's face. 

"I- Sorry I woke you up-" he managed to say, voice as shaky as the rest of him. 

"Hey, no. Don't apologise. Do you wanna talk about what happened?" 

Ashton sighed softly, squeezing Luke's hands gently. "I just had a- a bad dream, that's all." 

Luke nodded, lacing their fingers together. Ashton didn't have the heart to push him away. 

"It's probably just your brain trying to deal with everything that's going on. You're in a new place, which takes time to adapt to, and then you had that trouble with Calum. You're brain just needs to sort through what's happened." 

"You're smarter than you look," Ashton commented, managing a feeble smile. Luke didn't call him out on it. 

"Aw thanks," he beamed, before yawning. "We should head to bed." 

Instead of dropping his hands like Ashton expected, Luke just gently guided him into his room. Ashton could have pulled away at any point- Luke's grip wasn't that strong. But he found himself not wanting to pull away. 

"Is this okay?" Luke asked gently as they made themselves comfortable in bed. They'd ended up holding hands again, and if either of them shifted, their legs would brush. Other than that, there was a small distance between them. Ashton recognised how Luke was simultaneously giving him comfort while offering him an escape route if he needed it. 

He felt his heart swell with emotion that he was unsure how to voice, so he just nodded. 

They fell asleep together, hands linked. 

###

Three days later, and Ashton was still staying with Luke. It was less ‘sleeping on his couch’, and more ‘falling asleep in the same bed and never talking about it in the morning.’ Although, maybe Luke didn’t think anything needed talking about. Maybe Ashton was just over thinking everything (as usual). 

Regardless, Ashton was sprawled across Luke’s couch, flicking through TV channels, waiting for him to return from class, when someone knocked on the door.

It could well have been Luke, the boy was notoriously forgetful, and Ashton had taken to mothering him a little, checking he had all his things before he left for class, probably his older-brother instincts kicking in. But the knock sounded too loud for Luke, and besides, Luke usually texted as well, in case Ashton had headphones in.

So Ashton got up to open the door, trying to think of who it could be, and was surprised to find when he opened the door-

“Michael?”

The green-haired person in question looked confused for a moment, before scowling when xe saw who it was. Ashton resisted the urge to wince.

“Why the fuck are you in Luke’s apartment? I thought you hated queers,” Xe spat the last word, and this time Ashton did flinch, looking to the floor guiltily. Michael continued,

“What, didn’t think you’d have to face any consequences for what you said, huh? Thought you could get away with being an asshole with no one calling you out for it?”

“Michael!” 

Both turned quickly, and there was Luke, in the middle of the corridor, arms crossed and looking stern.

Michael ignored Luke’s expression, “Why’d you let him stay with you? Didn’t you know he’s a-”

“That’s enough!” Luke cut xem off, pushing past them to step inside, showing quiet solidarity with Ashton, “Either come inside and stop making a scene, or go home. But for the love of God, do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I’d let Ashton stay with me without knowing what had happened? Stop throwing accusations around.”

Luke then turned and walked inside. Ashton warily glanced up at Michael, before following Luke. The door slammed, and Ashton heard Michael follow him inside.

Luke sat down on the couch, in the middle, leaving space for Ashton to sit on one side and for Michael to sit on the other. Luke then turned to face Michael, and Ashton curled his legs up beside him, debating whether it would be worth it to just get up and run.

“Alright,” Michael’s emotionless voice alone made Ashton’s stomach tumble and tie itself into knots. “Explain then. Explain why you’re being nice to him after what a dick he was to Calum.”

“Ashton’s not a bad person, Mikey,” and Luke sounded so earnest that it made Ashton want to cry. “He’s not. He didn’t mean to say those things to Cal.”

Michael huffed, “Then why did he?” Xe then rounded on Ashton himself, “Why did you treat Calum like that after acting like you were fine with them?”

“He-”

Ashton cut Luke off, voice quiet but perfectly audible, “I was scared.”

The fight that Michael had previously been buzzing with seemed to seep outwards, dissipating into the surroundings, and xe deflated a little.

“Scared?”

Ashton nodded, looking away. At some point, his hands had started to shake, and his wasn’t sure if he’d be able to say anything else with the way his throat was closing up.

Ever so gently, Luke laced their fingers together, the same way he did each night before they fell asleep.

Michael stood up from the couch, regarding Ashton and Luke with a calculating look.

“I’m gonna go. I-,” Xe sighed, “I don’t hate you Ashton. I want to know what’s going on, but I understand if you don’t want to tell me.”

Michael opened the door, but just before xe could leave, Ashton spoke up.

“Tell Calum I want to apologise, if they’re willing to listen.”

“I will.”

###

“I think you and Ashton need to kiss and make up,” Michael announced, and Calum looked up from their textbook, eyebrows raised a little.

“What’s with the change of heart? He was a dick-”

Michael swayed on xir feet a little, as if debating what to say.

“He’s staying with Luke. I don’t know how they’re friends but they are and when I went to see Luke he was there and okay, yeah, I got mad at him a bit, but Luke told me off for ‘throwing accusations around’ or some shit. Apparently Luke thinks Ashton’s a good guy...”

Calum huffed, “What, so you’re willing to forgive Ashton just cuz you’re in love with Luke?”

Looking torn for a moment, Michael winced, “No, that’s not it. Ashton- He said he was scared. He didn’t mean to insult you, but he was scared. And god Cal, you should’ve seen his face...”

Calum frowned at the expression on Michael’s face. They’d been friends long enough for Calum to know when xe was being honest, and right now Michael looked heartbroken.

Even if Ashton was a dick, well, Michael clearly believed he wasn’t. And Calum trusted their friend.

Calum set their textbook aside, and soon Michael was curled up beside them. They shuffled so they were both lying down, and threw an arm around Michael’s waist. Michael’s hand slid between them, into the pocket of Calum’s hoodie, and Calum was confused for a moment, until xe pulled out their phone.

“Michael, what’re you doing?”

Silence.

“Michael?”

Michael handed them their phone back, “Please don’t be mad. It’s for your own good.”

“What?” Calum unlocked their phone, only to be greeted by a text conversation. With Ashton.

-

_**Calum:** mikey told me that you wanted to apologise_

_**Ashton:** I do. _

_**Calum:** wednesday date night, our place?_

_**Ashton:** What time?_

_**Calum:** 5pm_

_**Ashton:** okay._

-

“Michael you dick!” Calum complained, but couldn’t bring themselves to do anything about it. Michael was right, Calum and Ashton needed to talk. 

###

Ashton stood awkwardly in the corridor, chewing his lip, trying to force himself to knock on the door.

It was Wednesday, ten minutes to five, and Ashton was stood in front of his own dorm, trying to psyche himself up to knock. He was saved from this decision but the door being opened, and something with a flash of bright green walked straight into him.

“Oh! Hi Ash!” The flash of bright green turned out to be Michael, who gripped Ashton’s arm to stop him from falling, “I’m going over to Luke’s,” Xe lowered xir voice a little, “But you can text either of us if you want us to come over.”

Ashton nodded, managing a weak smile, “Thank you Mikey.”

Michael grinned, patting Ashton’s shoulder before leaving.

Ashton sighed softly, knocking on the door before walking in. “Calum? Michael let me in-”

“Of course xe did,” Came Calum’s grumble from their bed, and Ashton shut the door behind himself as he stepped inside, slowly walking over until he was stood in front of

Calum, although he couldn’t meet their eyes, staring at the floor.

Ashton shuffled his feet a little, before finally looking up.

Calum’s lips were darker than normal, a beautiful wine red that suited them so well. Their eyelids were shimmering gold, and their eyeliner was winged. They looked stunningly beautiful, and Ashton was breathless for a moment.

He didn’t realise he was staring until he noticed Calum’s glare.

“Go on then, explain yourself,” They said, and Ashton winced at their tone. 

“I was scared,” He said softly, “It’s not an excuse, because I still hurt you, and I shouldn’t have done that, and there’s no excuse for that. But I’m sorry. For what it’s worth.”

“Why were you scared?” Calum asked, sounding curious. 

Ashton stammered for a moment, trying to think of an acceptable response, but all he could manage was, “I’m not gay-” And his voice was quiet, trembling a little.

“Yeah, I got that from the way you acted,” Calum sounded frustrated, but it was better than angry, which was what Ashton had expected. Calum sighed, running their hands over their face. When they looked up, they looked so earnest. “I just- I don’t get you, Ash. You seem like a total sweetheart, you probably help old ladies cross the street. You were totally fine with me when we first met, but then all of a sudden you were calling me slurs. It made no sense. And I get that you’re scared of something, whatever. But I don’t think you understand how scared I was.”

Ashton opened his mouth to say something, but Calum held up a hand, silencing him.

“People like me and Michael and Luke, we’ve got to be careful. One person decides they hate us and that’s it, we’re dead. It’s terrifying knowing that something could happen. One day, someone decides that because of our gender we don’t deserve to live. And that’s it, we become part of a statistic. Do you know how many trans people are killed in America every year?”

“30,” Ashton blurted, looking away, “but it’s probably a lot higher.”

He looked up to find Calum looking at him. Ashton couldn’t pinpoint the emotion in their eyes, but they seemed less angry at him than before.

“When did you learn that?” Calum asked, and Ashton relaxed a little at their tone. Not accusatory, just curious.

Ashton shrugged, “A couple of years ago. It might have changed since then...”

“Did you have trans friends in highschool?”

“No. I- I saw a news story, and I looked it up because my step-dad turned the TV off.”

Calum frowned a little, but didn’t comment. 

“I think I forgive you, for what you said.”

Ashton perked up a little, “Really? Cuz I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t...”

They smiled, “I won’t forget it happened. And it was a shitty thing to say. But I forgive you, because I genuinely believe that you didn’t mean it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

###

Three months passed, and the four of them settled in better. Ashton was still hesitant when it came to saying or asking things about gender and sexuality, but the rest of the group had taken it upon themselves to educate him, and he was slowly becoming more comfortable.

It was the weekend, and all of them were up to date or ahead on their coursework, so they had decided to have a sleepover at Luke’s place. Calum and Michael we sprawled across each other as usual, this time on the floor. Ashton and Luke shared the couch, legs tangled together a little, as Ashton was becoming more comfortable with physical contact. There was enough room for Calum and Michael on the couch too, but the pair kept squabbling, breaking out in a half-hearted wrestle every now and then. 

Spirited Away was playing on the TV, but the volume was low and none of them were really paying attention. 

“Can I ask you guys something?” Ashton asked softly, a little nervous.

Calum and Michael turned to face him in sync, which was a common occurrence and yet always creeped Ashton out. “Of course,” Michael said, resting xir head on Calum’s shoulder.

“What was it like, when you came out? Like, what did your families think?”

None of them responded for a moment, clearly thinking, and then Calum spoke up.

“Mali always said she’d wanted a younger sister...”

###

_“Are you wearing makeup?”_

_Calum startled, dropping the eye shadow brush and palette that they’d stolen from their mom. “I-”_

_Mali tutted and walked over, picking up the brush, “These colors suit you, but your application is pretty terrible. Close your eyes.”_

_Calum did as she said, trying to ignore the thumping of their heart. Mali patted their cheek._

_“Alright, beautiful. Do you want eyeliner too?”_

_They nodded. She left, presumably to her own room, before returning with eyeliner. Calum silently followed her directions, before turning to look in the mirror._

_The colors looked good on them, Mali was right. They met her eyes in the mirror, and Mali smiled gently._

_“You got anything you need to tell me, Cal?”_

_Calum returned her smile, although theirs was considerably more wobbly._

_“I don’t think I’m a boy. But I don’t feel like a girl either.”_

_She nodded, processing for a moment. “Have you got a name for it?”_

_“Non-binary.”_

_And Mali hugged them, and stood with them when they told their parents._

###

“Of course, I was scared about school. I didn’t wanna hide my identity, but obviously teenagers can be shitty. Luckily I had this crazy best friend who threatened to throw hands with anyone who gave me trouble.”

Luke laughed softly from his place beside Ashton. “Michael?”

The person in question grinned, pressing a kiss to the top of Calum’s head. “I was awesome. Seriously, the best friend ever. I deserve all the awards.”

This sparked another minor wrestling match between Calum and Michael, but they were giggling the whole time. Eventually, they settled down again.

“I only came out because of Calum, really,” Michael then said.

###

_“I’m non-binary.”_

_Michael listened as xir best friend spilled the secret that had been clearly weighing them down for a few weeks._

_“What does that mean?” Michael asked, and Calum relaxed a little._

_“It means I’m not a boy. But I’m not a girl either. I’m somewhere in between. And also I’m a they, not a he.”_

_Michael frowned a little, “That’s allowed? There’s things over than boy and girl?”_

_Calum grinned in relief, “Yeah. It’s like... Boys are blue. Girls are pink. I’m purple, a mix of the two.”_

_“What about the other colors?” Michael asked._

_“Well... I think there’s other words and stuff, but I guess yeah. People could be other colors.”_

_Michael nodded thoughtfully, “I want to be green.”_

_-_

_When Michael returned home later that day, xe did some research._

_Xe hadn’t realised something felt wrong until xe’d been presented with something that felt right._

###

“And like, my mom’s only point of reference for children was Calum and Mali, so when I told her what I was feeling she went and spoke to Cal’s mom, and she helped explain things to her, which was cool.”

Ashton smiled a little, picturing little highschool Calum explaining different genders to Michael.

“Okay Luke, your turn,” Calum said, turning expectantly to the boy.

Luke laughed softly, “Okay. Well, I realised before highschool that I wasn’t a girl.”

###

_“Layla, stop, you’re going to get your dress dirty.”_

_The seven year old squirmed in his mother’s arms. “No!” He shouted, “I wanna play with Jack and Ben!”_

_“C’mon mom, we’ll be nice to her,” Jack pleaded from the doorway, Ben stood just behind him._

_“It’s only a dress, it’ll clean,” Ben added, and their mother huffed._

_Luke beamed, escaping his mother’s grip and bounding over to his brothers._

_The three of them escaped into the yard, Ben kicked a ball to Luke and Jack going to stand in the little goal they had set up._

_“I don’t want to be a girl,” Luke announced a little later, when they stopped for a break and Jack demonstrated how (not) to do the cool trick he’d seen from someone at school._

_Ben looked up, “Girls can play soccer too, you don’t have to be a boy to play soccer.”_

_“I know,” Luke replied indignantly. “But I want to be a boy.”_

_-_

_When Luke started puberty, he cried so hard he nearly threw up. His mom gave him a lecture about how he was a real woman now, and should start dressing like it. Jack let him lie on his bed and watch him play video games. He hadn’t really stopped crying, but he calmed down a lot._

_Eventually, Ben entered the room, looking sad and excited at the same time._

_“Mom said you’re being difficult,” He sat on the bed next to Luke, “But I just think she’s not paying enough attention to you. What’s wrong?”_

_Luke shrugged, leaning against his brother’s side. “I don’t wanna be girl,” He mumbled._

_“I know puberty’s scary-” Jack started, spinning to face them, but Luke cut him off._

_“It’s not just that. It’s... everything. Everything feels wrong and I don’t like it.”_

_“I looked it up,” Ben said, “Reason’s you might feel like this.”_

_Luke sniffled softly, wiping his eyes, “What did you find?”_

_“Transgender. It means when you’re born as a girl and one to be a boy, or if you’re born as a boy and want to be a girl.”_

_“You think Layla’s transgender?” Jack asked, head tilted in question._

_“Don’t call me Layla,” Luke said quickly, “I don’t like it.”_

_Ben hugged him closer, “A lot of the website’s talked about this thing called dysphoria, that’s the feeling when you hate, like, your name, your body, your gender.”_

_Luke nodded, “How do I stop it?”_

_“You’re too young for most of the options, the medical procedures and such, so at this point there isn’t much. You could pick a new name, though. We’ll call you it.”_

_“Luke. I already thought about it...” He admitted._

_“Alright. My little brother Luke,” Ben ruffled his head._

_“I know!” Jack piped up, a mischievous glint in his eyes, “We should cut your hair!”_

###

“Mom threw a fit when she saw what we’d done,” Luke smiled fondly, “But Ben explained everything to her. For a long time, she thought I was just like, influenced by having two older brothers, but after a couple of years she realised I was serious about it and started properly supporting me. Don’t get me wrong, she was always accepting, she just didn't want to do anything too serious until she knew I was sure, which, honestly, fair enough.”

“I want to meet your brothers,” Michael piped up, “I need more siblings to steal.”

Luke laughed, and Calum said, “If you steal Luke’s brothers, can I have my sister back?”

“Absolutely not, Mali loves me. Ash, do you have any siblings I can steal?”

Ashton laughed, “You keep your hands off my siblings, they’re still in highschool.”

“Don’t say it like that, it makes me sounds like a pedo!”

Calum laughed loudly, and Michael pouted.

“It makes sense that you’re the eldest. You’re such a mom,” Luke said, smiling a little at Michael and Calum’s antics.

“Okay we all spilled our guts,” Michael sat up, “Since you’ve got nothing to spill, tell us about your family.”

Ashton looked away, chewing his lip, “Uh- My mom’s the most amazing woman in existence and deserves the world.”

“What about your dad?” Luke prompted.

“My dad left when I was pretty young, I don’t really remember him much. Mom doesn’t like to talk about him. My uh- my step-dad, he’s my siblings dad. Harry and Lauren, they’re amazing kids, I love them. Harry’s still in that stage where he thinks I’m the coolest person on earth, cuz he’s the youngest. Lauren’s a bit older, and she doesn’t idolize me as much as Harry does.”

Luke nodded along, “I remember thinking Ben was the coolest person on the planet, I think every youngest child has that stage.”

“What about your step-dad?” Michael asked, and Ashton shrugged.

“Neither here nor there,” He lied, “He’s not really my dad, I don’t think I’ll ever think of him as my dad, but my mom loves him, and he’s Harry and Lauren’s dad so...” He trailed off awkwardly, and Luke easily steered the conversation in a different direction.

###

They all managed to squeeze into Luke’s bed, Luke and Michael in the middle, Ashton on Luke’s side and Calum on Michael’s side. Ashton was pretty sure Michael and Luke had something going on between them, but neither had said anything to him yet, so he didn’t mention it.

Luke was facing Ashton, anyway, holding his hand the same way he had all those months ago after Ashton’s argument with Calum. He could hear Michael snoring softly on Luke’s other side, and every now and then he heard Calum mumble softly, a sound he’d grown accustomed too after living with them for so long.

“What are you thinking about?” Luke’s voice broke him out of his thoughts, startling him a little.

Ashton looked across at the other boy. His eyes were barely visible in the darkness, but he was looking at Ashton.

“Just... thinking about how much has changed...” He answered truthfully.

“You and Cal are friends now,” Luke smiled a little.

Ashton nodded, “We are.”

Luke hesitated for a moment, “It’s more than that, isn’t it.”

“Yeah, it is...”

Luke squeezed his hand, “c’mon, tell Uncle Luke your problems.”

A huff of laughter escaped from Ashton, and he squeezed Luke’s hand back. 

“It’s...”

“Don’t you dare say it’s nothing. Is it about your step-dad? No matter what you said, you didn’t seem fond of him...”

Ashton chewed his lip. Luke was right, but he didn’t know if he was ready to tell them. 

“Wanna go into the living room so we can talk without waking the other guys up?”

He nodded, carefully getting out of bed. Luke grabbed a hoodie off the floor and pulled it on, before taking Ashton’s hand again and leading him to the living room.

###

Michael woke up to darkness, feeling like something was missing. Calum was still clinging to xem like a koala, but when xe rolled onto xir back and patted the bed on xir other side, the sheets were cold and empty. 

Xe grumbled softly, opening xir eyes. Xe carefully detached Calum, who slept like the dead, and climbed out of bed, following the sound of hushed voices into the living room.

There, Luke and Ashton were on the couch, and Michael felt like xe was intruding, but xe’d already made eye contact with Luke, so xe couldn’t just turn and leave.

Luke had his arms wrapped securely around Ashton, whose face was buried in Luke’s shoulder. His shoulders were shaking slightly.

Ashton was crying.

Luke murmured something to Ashton, who jerkily nodded. Luke then gestured Michael over, and Michael couldn’t refuse. Xe stumbled over, sitting on Ashton’s other side. Xe placed a hand on his shoulder, and he flinched.

“It’s okay Ash, it’s just Mikey, don’t worry,” Luke murmured softly, and Michael felt Ashton relax just a little bit.

The three of them sat in silence for a while, until Calum stumbled into the room, squinting a little, having clearly only just woken up. They opened their mouth to say something, before noticing Ashton, and kneeling on the floor in front of him, clearly concerned. 

Ashton sniffled softly, lifting his head from Luke’s shoulder. He looked terrible, like he hadn’t slept in months, and there was still tears running down his cheeks. Even so, he reached out to Calum, who went easily into the hug Ashton pulled them into. Ashton patted about a little, eventually grabbing Michael’s hand. Michael tried to meet eyes with Luke, and when xe did, Luke looked tired. Tired like he’d been dealing this for far longer than any of them had known.

“I lied to you guys,” Ashton eventually said, voice thick with tears and muffled by Calum’s skin. “About my step-dad. I don’t- I’ve never- never told anyone about him.”

Calum shushed him gently, “It’s okay Ash, we’re here for you. You can tell us if you want, but don’t feel like you have to.”

“I need to,” Ashton sniffled, “I-I- just- it’s difficult...”

Michael ran xir thumb over his knuckles, “Take your time, we don’t mind.”

“My mom never found out, b-but my step-dad used to hit me...”

###

_“Mom! Mom look! We made valentine’s cards in class!”_

_“That’s nice honey,” His mom brushed him off gently, “But I really need to get ready for work, okay?”_

_“I made mine for Thomas, cuz I love him. Mom, I love him.”_

_“That’s nice honey,” She repeated, trying to find her car keys._

_But his step-dad was paying attention._

_“Don’t be stupid Ashton, boys can’t love other boys.”_

_Ashton scowled, “Well then I must be a girl, because I love him.”_

_Before the older man could respond, Ashton’s mom returned, “Alright, bye boys,” She pressed a kiss to Ashton’s cheek and kissed his step-dad properly. “There’s leftovers in the fridge for dinner. Love you!” She then breezed by, out the door._

_“Go do your homework,” his step-dad demanded, voice cold, and Ashton scurried upstairs, nerves building._

_-_

_It was later that night that things came to head. Ashton was startled awake by loud footsteps, and then someone slamming his door open._

_“Get the fuck up,” His step-dad snapped, and Ashton hurried to do as he said._

_“I can’t fucking believe it, after everything I’ve done, you turn out a fucking queer. No, not just a queer, a sissy boy too. A trap. Do you think it’s a fucking joke?” He was yelling by the end, and Ashton cowered away._

_He yelped when the first hit landed, tears springing to his eyes._

_“What? Crying too? Fucking. Man. Up.” Each word was punctuated with another hit to his ribs._

_Ashton tried to cower away, but as a fairly small twelve year old, there was no way he could defend himself._

_His step-dad grabbed both of his wrists in one hand, grinding the bones together, and used the other hand to keep dealing blows to Ashton’s body._

_It only ended when the both of them heard something crack, Ashton nearly screaming out in pain._

_Rough hands grabbed him by the shoulders, guiding him down the stairs, and the older man picked up his phone._

_"Hi Anne, not to worry you too much, but I'm taking Ashton to the hospital. No, he's alright, clumsy little thing fell down the stairs, I think he's broken his arm."_

_The iron grip on Ashton's shoulder told him not to cry out, not to tell his mother what had really happened. He didn't think he could cry out, even if his wanted too. His entire body felt bruised, even breathing hurt._

_He just wanted to sleep, to escape._

###

Ashton was sobbing so hard by the end of his story that it was difficult to breathe. Three pairs of arms wrapped around him, comforting words coming from all directions.

“Ash, you need to breathe okay?” Luke said softly. “You’re gonna make yourself sick, c’mon.”

Ashton nodded, trying to follow Luke’s breathing. It was difficult, but eventually he managed to calm down enough that he was in no danger of choking.

“Fuck, Ash,” Michael murmured, “I can’t- god, I wanna hunt the bastard down and beat his skull in. You were _twelve_ , holy shit.”

They sat in silence for a moment longer, all touching in some way, providing physical comfort.

Then Calum spoke up.

“Do you think you’re a girl, or did you just say that back then just because you liked boys?”

Ashton shrugged, sniffling a little, “I dunno. I never really thought about it, couldn’t let myself...”

“That’s okay,” Calum assured him, “You can figure things out, we’ll help you.”

“You don’t have to keep this part of you hidden for any longer,” Michael added.

Luke pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “You’ve got us. You’ll always have us.”

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise if any of the formatting looks funky, ao3 doesn't like it when you copy over from Microsoft Word.
> 
> As always, comments are greatly appreciated!!  
> If you wanna come talk to me, I'm @ mastasof-ravenkroft on tumblr, I post about 5sos amongst many other things.


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